Planning on going on a long-haul holiday to the likes of Thailand or Costa Rica? It’s probably true, then, that you see yourself as a bit of an edgy traveller, à la Leonardo DiCaprio in The Beach. But sometimes it doesn’t quite go to plan, and you end up closer to Johnny Vegas in Benidorm. The horror. Scroll through our wannabe traveller contract, and look out for the faux pas you need to avoid…
1. The wannabe traveller will decide to pack small.
But, after spending no less then two hours failing to fit a selfie stick in their rucksack, the traveller will forego this plan to take advantage of the 22 kilograms of luggage offered on their flight. And also pack a hairdryer, straighteners and night-restoring cream into their, now huge, suitcase. Nobody wants eye-bags in their holiday pics after all…
2. The wannabe traveller will aim to dedicate their flight to research.
This will involve squashing a bunch of travel guides into their hand luggage to read up on their destination on the plane. Upon discovering the entire Harry Potter collection is available on the inflight entertainment, they will instead devote the 11-hour journey to watching this. Any travel trips, Ron Weasley?
3. The wannabe traveller will ask real-life locals for tapas recommendations.
But, after doing three loops of the main square and failing to spot said tapas bar, will instead ask Siri where they can find the nearest Pizza Hut. Upon a last-minute realization that they’ve booked with First Choice, the home of All Inclusive, they’ll head back to the hotel to find a banquet waiting for then. Dessert? Go on then…
It’s gotta be here somewhere…
4. The wannabe traveller will attempt to explore on their own.
They’ll spend several hours sunbathing and day-dreaming about climbing up palm trees to spot monkeys (move over, Sir David Attenborough). However, after realising they’ve left their guide books on the plane, will wish they’d booked a pre-planned excursion where it’s all sorted for them. At this point of the trip, hosting the next series of Planet Earth seems further away than ever.
5. The wannabe traveller will attempt to look like a local.
They will, however, fail to realise that their complete lack of tan is a massive giveaway. They will also choose to invest in stacks of beaded bracelets and don a pair of those really authentic baggy trousers with elephants on. You know, the ones locals would never, ever actually wear?
6. The wannabe traveller will ditch their knife and fork for chopsticks.
This will last approximately five minutes at the local noodle bar, when upon realising nobody is watching, nor impressed, they’ll revert back to the classic knife and fork. When meeting newbie travellers, they’ll will mention said local noodle bar and judge them instantly for having never been there. And for not knowing how to use chopsticks. Ugh, so #Britabroad.
Looks pretty. Takes ages.
7. The wannabe traveller will forgo a holiday tan for exploring.
But, after being compared to Snow White by an insensitive local, they’ll spend the final few days running to the beach at any sight of sunshine. On arrival back home, they will be furious when people dare to question if they actually did go away, and resort to getting a spray tan in an attempt to quash the interrogations.
8. The wannabe traveller will refrain from posting typical tourist shots.
Then desperately try to photoshop the Taj Mahal into all of their pics once home. The missed Instagram opportunities will haunt them for years to come, and in an attempt to console themselves, they’ll purchase a new clip-on selfie light for future ventures.
“Yes I know we’ve taken 500 pics, but keep smiling or else”
9. The wannabe traveller will mention their far-flung trip for years to come.
They’ll find any possible way to bring it into conversation and, as a result, will unintentionally sound like they’re doing a re-run of the infamous Gap Yah vid. Listen out for: “That’s so funny because this one time, in Vietnam…”