It happens every year, doesn’t it? We find the holiday, book it, and spend the next three months promising what we will and won’t do when we get there. €100 splashed on inflatables for the kids? Nah, forget it – blow up crocodiles always cause a stir at security anyway. But being mistaken for a local because our Spanish is so on point? Yep, definitely. We mean, err, sí definitivamente. So, if these sound familiar, check out our 10 holiday commandments and see how many you can tick off.
1. Thou shalt not accidentally fall asleep on the sun lounger on day one and spend the rest of the holiday being mistaken for a lobster from the à la carte restaurant. Sun cream = packed. Bronzed goddess look = a work in progress.
2. Thou shall aim to get up before the Spanish siesta at 3pm to wander around the shops, but get into town at the exact time they’re all closing. They’re a lazy lot, those Spaniards, aren’t they? Back to fall asleep by the pool it is, then.
3. Thou shall not be tempted to draw rude shapes onto ones partner’s back whilst applying sun tan cream. It’s always funny before they notice. And less funny when you’ve got to spend all holiday on separate sides of the bar not talking. It was only meant to look like a banana anyway.
4. Thou shall have a digital detox to avoid spending all holiday Snapchatting everything in sight and Instagramming meals until they go cold. This detox also includes refraining from posting Facebook ‘check-ins’ at every beach bar, and uploading pictures with the caption #blessed. Instead, thou shall ditch the phone and take a load of holiday reads. Way more, err, educational.
5. Thou shalt not set a strict ‘no mojitos before 3pm’ rule, then instantly disregard it after spotting the couple from room 202 downing tequila slammers at 11am. It’s a holiday after all. And it’s All Inclusive, so technically it’d be rude not to. Nobody wants to offend the bar staff, either. Especially not tall, dark, Pedro, who mixes up really good cocktails.
6. Thou shall refrain from spending the entire holiday guarding the sun lounger and shooting threatening looks at any potential sunbed thieves. Instead, thou shall build a fort of books, sun cream and other ‘do not move me’ items so there’s no fear of it being taken over while swimming. Don’t think we didn’t see you eyeing it up, Neil from the fifth floor.
7. Thou shalt not make friends with another family/couple this year because thou doesn’t need to know Darren and Julie’s whole life story. They met at school. They come to Kos every year. And they’re slowly but surely making everyone around them wish they’d booked the week before.
9. Thou shall try and sensibly pack eight pairs of shoes max, despite knowing thou will only wear two of them. And then curse the other half when stumbling through never-ending cobbled streets in stilettos. He was definitely the one who told you to bring them, right?
10. Thou shalt not have pangs of FOMO when thinking about missing episodes of the latest big series, then wonder if there’s any way to check online if Sky+ is definitely recording everything. There are salsa dancing classes on most nights at the hotel anyway, and traditional, cultural entertainment is way better than Love Island. Sort of.