Kirman Leodikya

ROOM I immediately appreciated the eco friendly nature of the room, with unadjustable air con of 24 so that we did not waste the cold. Another benefit of this was that we would have likely turned it to 23 had our grubby hands be allowed to touch the thermostat, which may well have rendered us hypothermic in our beds come morning. The omniscient fridge provided me with my favourite beverage and my brother with his, which sent my head spinning and my psyche actually almost snapped for good. There was water for the mother. The first room we were given had too much of a cooked fish scent wafting past the threshold which my mum’s delicate sinuses wouldn’t tolerate, so the next morning we trotted off to a room higher up which was brilliant. My new pillow was flat as a pancake, which is how I like it (I had not enjoyed the pillow in the other room which left a crick in my neck, however the masseuse sorted this out as I’ll mention later on) and there were some nice decorative pillows for us to remove every night, and which were always returned to their rightful place by the maid the next day. Lastly, I’ll say the toilet was fantastic, with a mysterious little nozzle which let me know this was Turkey, and things are a little exciting and unusual here. BEACH The beach was great but I didn’t enjoy the nasty critter lurking in the shallows which enjoyed chomping on my flesh. TIP: dart into the water and swim into the safety of the depths to avoid its wrath. The floatation device in the middle of the ocean restored me when my muscles were weak from swimming, however it had slightly too much human occupation and a green slooge lining its walls. I would rate the water 4/5 - salty water good for floating but not for my nose holes, and could have been clearer to watch for the rascal waiting to nosh on my being. ENTERTAINMENT AND OTHER This hotel comes with a free massage, and by Jove it was replenishing. She rubbed all the right muscles and took the cricks right out. The grit stuck to me from the beach was rubbed in as well, acting as a nice abrasive exfoliator. The entertainment included such shows as a Roman candle demonstration (which apparently impressed many of the guests as they made sure to film every morsel) followed by a dance troupe led by a true master of the art, and an acrobatic spectacle (also Michael Jackson was there). Turkish night began with some top notch nosh which we nommed on until the festivities begin in the Colosseum, with some beautifully simple dancing in traditional garb. The formations were tight, but what was even tighter were the abs of the lonesome belly dancer twisting the night away by the pool, her rippling abdominals responding to every beat of the music....I think I can speak for all guests when I say it was astonishing, and a welcome reprieve from the monotony of the chief dancer spinning on the spot for what felt longer than my own birth. The DJ is always alert and ready to fill every single silence with music loud enough to reach the local monster of the deep. The screeching flutes and thunderous drums made sure every man, woman and child would stay awake for the entirety of the show. Every night an “I (heart) Kirman” sign is brought out, named after the big wig himself. FOOD The restaurant had decent edibles, although the breakfast was a little too advanced for my tastebuds, with no delicate croissants to ease my belly into the day. At dinner I particularly enjoyed the meat bread, meat, and bread. One night there was an interesting twist on the classic “Chocolate Fountain”. You would select your fruit rations (for instance, you may have 3 pieces of melon if you forfeit your banana) to be gingerly covered in some lightly chilled chocolate syrup - no skewer required. Another dessert I acquainted my tastebuds with was a certain cake topped with a green slooge, which my tongue unfortunately did not befriend. We booked the Asian restaurant for one night and were somewhat perturbed when we saw our table was laid out with some cucumber and carrot wrapped in vine leaves and then rice, cucumber and carrot wrapped in rice and then vine leaves, and two variations of the former, one with pink rice and the other with some nice seeds. We then ordered the chicken noodle soup which ran on the orange side, and after this we were brought a sharing plate littered with some old meats. I then was presented my calf meat main, which was soon understood to be veal not the succulent meat found on the gastrocnemius. Well I must say it really did go down a treat, with my companions soon chomping at the bit to nab a piece, as they didn’t see much merit in their dishes, which were “chicken in sweat sauce” and “white fish”. Finally, we received some sticky ice cream. It was topped with some mystery crunchers. One more notable item was ice cream disguised as sticky nougat suspended on a chain the likes of which you may see in the London Dungeons. The chap who scraped a gargantuan chuck off for my eating pleasure was very friendly, which settled my nerves from the grizzly appearance of this sweet treat. LOCATION Boztepe/Okurcalar/Manavgat/wherever this hotel is truly situated is an oasis in a sea of miserable medieval castle towns, mountain ranges, and waterfalls. Every beach has been gobbled up by the big fat hotels - perfect for the 21st century humanoid - and behind these fat cats lie the sprawling apartment buildings with a mountainous skyline, interrupted only by an overconfident hotel which towers into the clouds and would make the Empire State Building quake in its boots. But best of all is the Alara Grand Bazaar, which is certainly both grand and bizarre (unsure what alara means as I don’t speak Turkish). Many rare relics can be found among these stores, such as the elusive backwards C champion (or as it’s known by collectors - Dampion) cap. The shops are strikingly similar to one another, with all the same wares, so you don’t have to waste precious time plodding about. Be warned: the shopkeepers do prefer a good old fashioned euro, as evidenced by them popping out a 1990’s calculator whenever you would like to pay in Turkish coinage. Walking along the dusty road I imagined I was the legendary Clint Eastwood or Rango, strolling through the wild Wild West with nothing but the shirt on my back and a half empty canteen. I give the place a 3/5 however as there is a lack of ambience, with all the people concentrated into a strict line in the the deepest part of the sea where the average person can touch the bottom, and where the average little monster waiting to nip on our innocent bodies dare not swim.

OK, let's start by saying that the week we were there we were the only English. The hotel is mainly used by German and Eastern European, did it bother us?? No, I go on holiday to have a good time and to relax, not to huddle together with other British tourists. Also contrary to previous reviews most staff speak a little English and if your request is to difficult to understand they have guest relations who are fluent in English. Our room was amazing, my brother and I had a room that gave us a double and single bed Each with a bathroom in the middle. Even arriving at 2am there was food on offer in the restaurant. On the first day I slipped over in the buffet restaurant due to a wet floor, within seconds staff were around me, helping me, the day after customer care checked on me, they arranged a lovely 45 minute massage as a gesture of good will. The food was lovely and plentiful, the beach was a bit shingley for us, but we did have a dip in the sea one day. All in all a lovely break and I would return to this hotel, hopefully before more British people discover it.